1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is
that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if
anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the
screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have
the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for
panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your
coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
14. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on
this list AND NOW YOU ARE LAUGHING at yourself.
Thursday, March 29, 2007
Sunday, March 25, 2007
Thursday, March 22, 2007
Different sides of the same coin...
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing cricket without a box.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing by product of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.
7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male..……….Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male........ A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing cricket without a box.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing by product of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.
7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male..……….Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male........ A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
Flirt
Driving home from work yesterday i'm tuned to 88.2 drowning in the tunes of R.Kelly's latest venture.."I'm a flirt" this guy's a muscial genius period!
This got me reminiscing bout the days we'd club on a regular...
The scene: Ange sunday nite...walk in solo..checkout the crowd..packed..(wonder wat kind of line of work these chaps are in!..i was on leave at the time)head straight for the bar n order maself a jack daniels on the rocks. I spot a cousin of mine..he assures me how he's calling in sick t'moro and we settle down do some kb. As i scan the crowd..gyrating bodies, couples in dark corners all over eachother like extras in a snoop video..and suddenly
i notice this fly young chic(of pouty lips, doe eyes)..but something was just not right! she was seated next to wat luked like a 'top management multinational corporate' type the kind that imagines a pretty gal as an accessory to all he's got..but damn she looked BORED! (i mean why on earth do you take someone to the club and just sit, drink and stare at all them party animals do their thing)
I decided to make my nite interesting and flirt with her from across the bar...managed to get her number...(she happenned to know a friend of mine who was in club too) With her number in hand i send her a quick sms...the vibrator on her fone startles her out of her thoughts...she reads the msg puzzled who the author is..scans the crowd and lands straight into my stare..makes a quick side glace at mr management who seems to be in his own world, looks back and gives me this cheeky conspiratory smile..that was the beginning..
He steps off to the loo and i head in her direction, a quicky introduction went down, she tells me how shes in club with her friends but the've scattered all over the place..Mr management walks back in...im introduced as her cousin(well for the nite atleast)..he offers a drink.."i'll have a JD on the rocks plse"..say ma goodbyes n head back to the bar..
After a while she walks up and says can we dance...we hit the floor, mingle with all those hot sweaty bodies..get lost in the trance..do the shuffle..Mr management's not looking happy..she wispers into ma ear how she's just gotta find a way of leaving without him..well who i'm i to say no...plot a quick exit strategy and head for the parking lot..
10 mins later out of the club she comes running...and we're out...(i'll leave the rest to yo imagination..) and no wat yo thinking didn't happen..
Damn i notice ive been daydreaming a jam piled up behind me and this pot-bellied trafic cop walking towards me waving a finger! i snap back into reality..mumble my apologies to him with a background noise of blaring horns and i'm off...
This got me reminiscing bout the days we'd club on a regular...
The scene: Ange sunday nite...walk in solo..checkout the crowd..packed..(wonder wat kind of line of work these chaps are in!..i was on leave at the time)head straight for the bar n order maself a jack daniels on the rocks. I spot a cousin of mine..he assures me how he's calling in sick t'moro and we settle down do some kb. As i scan the crowd..gyrating bodies, couples in dark corners all over eachother like extras in a snoop video..and suddenly
i notice this fly young chic(of pouty lips, doe eyes)..but something was just not right! she was seated next to wat luked like a 'top management multinational corporate' type the kind that imagines a pretty gal as an accessory to all he's got..but damn she looked BORED! (i mean why on earth do you take someone to the club and just sit, drink and stare at all them party animals do their thing)
I decided to make my nite interesting and flirt with her from across the bar...managed to get her number...(she happenned to know a friend of mine who was in club too) With her number in hand i send her a quick sms...the vibrator on her fone startles her out of her thoughts...she reads the msg puzzled who the author is..scans the crowd and lands straight into my stare..makes a quick side glace at mr management who seems to be in his own world, looks back and gives me this cheeky conspiratory smile..that was the beginning..
He steps off to the loo and i head in her direction, a quicky introduction went down, she tells me how shes in club with her friends but the've scattered all over the place..Mr management walks back in...im introduced as her cousin(well for the nite atleast)..he offers a drink.."i'll have a JD on the rocks plse"..say ma goodbyes n head back to the bar..
After a while she walks up and says can we dance...we hit the floor, mingle with all those hot sweaty bodies..get lost in the trance..do the shuffle..Mr management's not looking happy..she wispers into ma ear how she's just gotta find a way of leaving without him..well who i'm i to say no...plot a quick exit strategy and head for the parking lot..
10 mins later out of the club she comes running...and we're out...(i'll leave the rest to yo imagination..) and no wat yo thinking didn't happen..
Damn i notice ive been daydreaming a jam piled up behind me and this pot-bellied trafic cop walking towards me waving a finger! i snap back into reality..mumble my apologies to him with a background noise of blaring horns and i'm off...
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
This had me in stitches!
One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When
it became apparent
that we would marry, I relaxed and enjoyed the ecstasy
of the friendship.
Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down
on the way home from
work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my
husband and told him
that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my
way, I passed by a
small diner and the odor of baked beans was more than
I could stand. With
miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill
effects by the time I
reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I
knew it, I had consumed
three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I
made sure that I
released ALL the gas.
Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me
and exclaimed
delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner
tonight!"
He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the
dinner table. I took a
seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold,
the telephone rang.
He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he
returned and went
to answer the call.
The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me
and the pressure was
becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out
of the room I seized
the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let
one go. It was not
only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck
running over a skunk in
front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap
and fanned the air
around me vigorously.
Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three
more. The stink was
worse than cooked cabbage!!!
Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in
the other room, I
went on like this for another few minutes.
The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the
telephone farewells
signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the
air a few more times
with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my
hands back on it feeling
very relieved and pleased with myself.
My face must have been the picture of innocence when
my husband returned,
apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had
peeked through the
blindfold, and I assured him I had not.
At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve
dinner guests seated
around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"
I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Your attitudes and the choices you make today, build
the "house" you live in tomorrow.Build wisely!
it became apparent
that we would marry, I relaxed and enjoyed the ecstasy
of the friendship.
Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down
on the way home from
work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my
husband and told him
that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my
way, I passed by a
small diner and the odor of baked beans was more than
I could stand. With
miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill
effects by the time I
reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I
knew it, I had consumed
three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I
made sure that I
released ALL the gas.
Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me
and exclaimed
delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner
tonight!"
He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the
dinner table. I took a
seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold,
the telephone rang.
He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he
returned and went
to answer the call.
The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me
and the pressure was
becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out
of the room I seized
the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let
one go. It was not
only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck
running over a skunk in
front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap
and fanned the air
around me vigorously.
Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three
more. The stink was
worse than cooked cabbage!!!
Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in
the other room, I
went on like this for another few minutes.
The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the
telephone farewells
signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the
air a few more times
with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my
hands back on it feeling
very relieved and pleased with myself.
My face must have been the picture of innocence when
my husband returned,
apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had
peeked through the
blindfold, and I assured him I had not.
At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve
dinner guests seated
around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"
I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Your attitudes and the choices you make today, build
the "house" you live in tomorrow.Build wisely!
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lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing,
loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing,
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and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker,
Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister, Spin the Bottle.
Johnnie Walker ®.... Leave Shyness Behind!!!!
Tuesday, March 6, 2007
An alcoholic's dictionary...
A is for alcohol - our drug of choice.
B is for beer, yes beer, it's what's for dinner (sometimes lunch and breakfast too).
C is for can - 6 pack. 12 pack, 24 pack, 30 pack, 40 oz.... so many choices!
D is for drinking - that's what we like to do.
E is for emergency (Definition: an emergency is when you're all out of alcohol).
F is for friends (beats drinking alone and maybe you can get them to pick up the tab).
G is for games, preferably anything involving cards, quarters, and chugging beers.
H is for hang over - every good time has it's price.
I is for ice, "I'll take that on the rocks please".
J is for jail which is where you might end up after trying to use a fake ID, try driving a car when you can't even see, or are found on the street staggering home at 4 am.
K is for keg!
L is for liquor - many many to choose from.
M is for money you no longer have due to extensive partying.
N is for NOT AGAIN! (What you scream when you wake up besides someone you don't know).
O is for opinion (ever met a drunk without one?) also it's for a common phrase "OH SH*T!" which you scream as you fall down the stairs.
P is for pee (what you have to do about every 5-10 minutes while drinking).
Q is for quarters - a great drinking game, it's also for the quilt that you puked on last night and have to clean in the morning.
R is for reform, which you promise god that you'll do as you find yourself hugging the toilet bowl.
S is for sex - after a few drinks people start looking a lot better than they really are, so be careful..
T is for twenty-four, 24 beers in a case, 24 hours in a day... coincidence?? I think not.
U is for underage (A good percentage of the drinking population).
V is for vodka - the mother of all alcohol and the best way to make Jello.
W is for worm, the par of tequila that reminds you of the porcelain god.
X is for x-ray, in detox it's how they see into your stomach before they pump it.
Y is for you, the one who drinks way too much.
Z is for Zima - something different.
B is for beer, yes beer, it's what's for dinner (sometimes lunch and breakfast too).
C is for can - 6 pack. 12 pack, 24 pack, 30 pack, 40 oz.... so many choices!
D is for drinking - that's what we like to do.
E is for emergency (Definition: an emergency is when you're all out of alcohol).
F is for friends (beats drinking alone and maybe you can get them to pick up the tab).
G is for games, preferably anything involving cards, quarters, and chugging beers.
H is for hang over - every good time has it's price.
I is for ice, "I'll take that on the rocks please".
J is for jail which is where you might end up after trying to use a fake ID, try driving a car when you can't even see, or are found on the street staggering home at 4 am.
K is for keg!
L is for liquor - many many to choose from.
M is for money you no longer have due to extensive partying.
N is for NOT AGAIN! (What you scream when you wake up besides someone you don't know).
O is for opinion (ever met a drunk without one?) also it's for a common phrase "OH SH*T!" which you scream as you fall down the stairs.
P is for pee (what you have to do about every 5-10 minutes while drinking).
Q is for quarters - a great drinking game, it's also for the quilt that you puked on last night and have to clean in the morning.
R is for reform, which you promise god that you'll do as you find yourself hugging the toilet bowl.
S is for sex - after a few drinks people start looking a lot better than they really are, so be careful..
T is for twenty-four, 24 beers in a case, 24 hours in a day... coincidence?? I think not.
U is for underage (A good percentage of the drinking population).
V is for vodka - the mother of all alcohol and the best way to make Jello.
W is for worm, the par of tequila that reminds you of the porcelain god.
X is for x-ray, in detox it's how they see into your stomach before they pump it.
Y is for you, the one who drinks way too much.
Z is for Zima - something different.
Sunday, March 4, 2007
A personal letter....
Dear Alcohol,
First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours.
As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect
post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around at the
holidays hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the
midst of endless family gatherings.
However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I do
believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your
influence has led to some unwise consequences:
1. Phone Calls:
While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the
suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity take place
after 2am. Why would you make me call those ex's when I know for a fact
they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of
the night?
2. Eating:
Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you
suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce, along with a big Italian
meatball and some stale chips (washed down with WINE and topped off with
a Kit Kat after a few cheese curls and chili fries?) I am an eclectic
eater, but I think you went too far this time.
3. Clumsiness:
Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to
improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to
fall down. It's completely unnecessary and the black & blue makes that
appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it
should never take more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the
lock.
Furthermore, the hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous.
I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in
order, but the 3pmhangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My
entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken
(water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/
passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the
hangover should be minimal and in no way interfere with my daily
activities.
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now and would like
to ensure that we remain on good terms. You have been the invoker of
great stories, the provocation for much laughter and the needed
companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my
pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully
review my grievances, above and address them immediately. I will look
for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm(pre-happy hour) on your
possible solutions and hopefully we can continue this fruitful
partnership.
Thank-you,
Your Biggest Fan
PS Things that are difficult to say when drunk:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
Things that are very difficult to say when drunk:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
Things that are downright impossible to say when drunk:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.
First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours.
As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect
post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around at the
holidays hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the
midst of endless family gatherings.
However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I do
believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your
influence has led to some unwise consequences:
1. Phone Calls:
While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the
suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity take place
after 2am. Why would you make me call those ex's when I know for a fact
they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of
the night?
2. Eating:
Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you
suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce, along with a big Italian
meatball and some stale chips (washed down with WINE and topped off with
a Kit Kat after a few cheese curls and chili fries?) I am an eclectic
eater, but I think you went too far this time.
3. Clumsiness:
Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to
improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to
fall down. It's completely unnecessary and the black & blue makes that
appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it
should never take more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the
lock.
Furthermore, the hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous.
I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in
order, but the 3pmhangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My
entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken
(water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/
passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the
hangover should be minimal and in no way interfere with my daily
activities.
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now and would like
to ensure that we remain on good terms. You have been the invoker of
great stories, the provocation for much laughter and the needed
companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my
pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully
review my grievances, above and address them immediately. I will look
for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm(pre-happy hour) on your
possible solutions and hopefully we can continue this fruitful
partnership.
Thank-you,
Your Biggest Fan
PS Things that are difficult to say when drunk:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
Things that are very difficult to say when drunk:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
Things that are downright impossible to say when drunk:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.
Thursday, March 1, 2007
My cover's been blown...
Last evening was pretty interesting...i decide to take a detour to town after work via the route that goes past the court house, i ran into traffic jams..(well thats expected) and a cordoned off area..guess the "Luzira 23"(hmmm...somehow doesn't sound as appealing as fox river 8) were back in town. I expected to run into a mob with the teargas brigade hot on their heels....had to take a quick side exit...breaking a few traffic rules and head to the Venue...
Peace atlast...cold club in my hand i pondered my next move..Considering i'd spent a good part of wednesday nite pinting away in Kisimenti i had no plans to stay up late tonite..And then Partner In Crime calls...he's on his way to Stakey, i convince myself it will be a quickie pint if i went there and be out by 11pm..
8pm: I walk into stakeout(wonder if this name came from one of those TV series of the 90's, the beat is on..bodies mingling i tap on KB as i make my way to the crowded lower bar..the "hi's", "whassup".."i've hahad have u seen those stuffs that just walked in.." I get a pint..quickly locate PIC(read partner in crime) and kick of on wats been happning...now here comes the interesting bit..
A gud friend of mine ..i'll call him X walks in(he who knows the tru sco) and i remember i saw a pic of him in blogsphere...i bring it up..we talk..laugh..he leaves..and after a couple of mins a PYT walks up to me and says..."Hi r u scofield" ...(hmm im thinking the cat's out of the bag) thought i'd walked into Blogger happy hour but quickly remembered they do their thing at Mateo's it turns out i've just met surprise surprise DEE...(Oh did i mention she ROCKS!) exchanged pleasantries..abit of blog talk and off she dissapeared into the crowd of nodding heads...On the pinting went..the beats grew louder, the crowd thicker..(ever noticed that the more a person takes alcohol the louder they talk) Time check 1am..time to flee...PIC and X in tow we head for the gate and into the dark...(to be continued...)
Peace atlast...cold club in my hand i pondered my next move..Considering i'd spent a good part of wednesday nite pinting away in Kisimenti i had no plans to stay up late tonite..And then Partner In Crime calls...he's on his way to Stakey, i convince myself it will be a quickie pint if i went there and be out by 11pm..
8pm: I walk into stakeout(wonder if this name came from one of those TV series of the 90's, the beat is on..bodies mingling i tap on KB as i make my way to the crowded lower bar..the "hi's", "whassup".."i've hahad have u seen those stuffs that just walked in.." I get a pint..quickly locate PIC(read partner in crime) and kick of on wats been happning...now here comes the interesting bit..
A gud friend of mine ..i'll call him X walks in(he who knows the tru sco) and i remember i saw a pic of him in blogsphere...i bring it up..we talk..laugh..he leaves..and after a couple of mins a PYT walks up to me and says..."Hi r u scofield" ...(hmm im thinking the cat's out of the bag) thought i'd walked into Blogger happy hour but quickly remembered they do their thing at Mateo's it turns out i've just met surprise surprise DEE...(Oh did i mention she ROCKS!) exchanged pleasantries..abit of blog talk and off she dissapeared into the crowd of nodding heads...On the pinting went..the beats grew louder, the crowd thicker..(ever noticed that the more a person takes alcohol the louder they talk) Time check 1am..time to flee...PIC and X in tow we head for the gate and into the dark...(to be continued...)
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