A personal letter....

Dear Alcohol,

First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours.

As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect
post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around at the
holidays hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the
midst of endless family gatherings.

However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I do
believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your
influence has led to some unwise consequences:


1. Phone Calls:

While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the
suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity take place
after 2am. Why would you make me call those ex's when I know for a fact
they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of
the night?

2. Eating:

Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you
suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce, along with a big Italian
meatball and some stale chips (washed down with WINE and topped off with
a Kit Kat after a few cheese curls and chili fries?) I am an eclectic
eater, but I think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness:

Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to
improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to
fall down. It's completely unnecessary and the black & blue makes that
appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it
should never take more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the
lock.

Furthermore, the hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous.
I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in
order, but the 3pmhangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My
entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken
(water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/
passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the
hangover should be minimal and in no way interfere with my daily
activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now and would like
to ensure that we remain on good terms. You have been the invoker of
great stories, the provocation for much laughter and the needed
companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my
pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully
review my grievances, above and address them immediately. I will look
for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm(pre-happy hour) on your
possible solutions and hopefully we can continue this fruitful
partnership.

Thank-you,
Your Biggest Fan


PS Things that are difficult to say when drunk:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

Things that are very difficult to say when drunk:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder

Things that are downright impossible to say when drunk:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.